Friday, December 23, 2011

Like Prose*

My Darling,

I love you. I'm sorry, I know I'm not supposed to say that. I do, though. I love you. I have since we first met. I'm sure you must know. I'm not very good at hiding things. And since this will be the last time we speak, I'm going to say it again: I love you.

We've known each other a long time. We were close for a while and still... I've never been sure if you love me back. I think that's a large reason why I'm writing this now. It isn't that the not knowing is too much, that I could handle. I think I could anyway. It's the things you do that hurt me so much. Unintentionally (I hope!), I'm sure, but without knowing for sure what's there.... it still hurts a great deal. More than I can bear, I'm afraid. Which is why I'm killing myself tonight.

Are you shocked by that? Perhaps. Saddened? Don't be. I know that even if you do love me half as much as I love you that we can never be together. Again, that I could handle. If only I knew! If I knew that you love me even a little bit. If I knew that you had tender, longing thoughts about me from time to time. I know you think about me. That is why you contact me every so often. But without knowing I can only imagine you're trying to keep me sedate, stringing me along, keeping me around so I can see and be hurt time and time again. Why? What have I done to you that is so awful?

I'm sorry. It was not my intention to attack you, just to inform you. I did not want you wondering about the "why" of my demise as I have wondered so long about the "if" of your heart. Please, don't think I blame you for what I am about to do; and don't blame yourself. If I could stop myself from loving you; if I could stop waiting to hear from you; if I could stop seeking you out then I would not be in this position. The sad truth is that I have tried, and am unable to accomplish any of those small things that would keep me from hurting so deeply.

I should wrap this up, I think. I love you, and in my final moments I will be thinking only of you. You've given me so much joy over the years. All of the pain I have manifested in myself, I think. I do wish we could have been together. I think we would have been very good for each other. If only I knew. Regardless, my heart will always be

Eternally Yours

*This is a work of fiction. I'm not about to kill myself and those in my heart know it. This just came to me the other night as I lay down to sleep and I haven't been able to shake it. You know what they say: If you can't shake it, blog it.

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