Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Hide Under The Blankets

I went and got my food card yesterday. Yeah, it was easy. $15. I'm gonna try calling the number on the boards first, cuz the online application is expecting all kinds of information I just don't have. Anyone wanna be a reference for me?

Maybe I should explain a little of why this is all such an ordeal for me? Remember back when we were kids, and all you needed to get into college was brains? I had that. I also had every adult telling me that because I was 'smart' I wouldn't have any problem getting into college and that, for the same reason, I wouldn't have a problem paying for it, cuz they'd pay me to go (ya know, scholarships). Then there was all the adults telling me that with a college degree I'd basically have jobs thrown at me, so I never really prepared myself for any of this. Then, time went by and all of a sudden you needed extra stuff to get into college. So I did my duty and joined clubs and teams all in the name of college. Then around High School all those adults started telling me "Never get a loan, you'll never pay it off" and "Getting a loan for college is the worst thing you can do." Then, I guess, around that time (or maybe sooner) scholarships became about skills, and minorities, and disabilities. So I, being just a regular 'smart' white girl with parents of 'average' income, somehow got lost. Scared to take out a loan for college, but unable to get enough financial aid to go to. For those of you who don't know, I actually didn't have any problems getting into Cornell or Angelo State, but I'd have probably gone to Angelo State. I liked it there.

Don't ask me why I quit every job I've had. The only answer I have is "The Fear" hit me. It's irrational and unexplainable, and it's been moondoggin' me since childhood. It's what kept my nose in a book and, essentially, out of the real world. Between taking care of the house and my mom and all the crap in between, the past 5 or so years have just kind of gotten away from me. On the other hand, though, if I hadn't been here during my mom's knee replacement, no one else would have. So maybe everything does have it's own reasons. Now that that's over and done with, I'm having to face my demons head-on, and I'm still not 100% sure I'm ready (or able) to do that.

I don't hold anything against those adults of my past who held my hand as they led me astray. I'm sure at the time everything they said was true. Or at least true to the best of their knowledge. I just wish I had had some idea that things weren't going to turn out the way I was led to believe they would.

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