Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Blog In May: Day 7

Today's Prompt:
The thing(s) you're most afraid of

Yep, up to that one. Now, I'm no super badass, there are things that give me a start. Thinking I locked my keys in the car, when Aaron sneaks up on me while I'm doing dishes, the damn dog next door getting out... normal stuff. By and large, though, I don't really have your average "phobias" (which people seriously misuse, btw; a phobia leaves you paralyzed with fear, not liking something and screaming like a girl for attention is NOT a phobia) because, well, most of them are stupid. :p Clowns? Seriously? Unless you see Pennywise peeking out of the storm drain quit being such a baby. How often do people even run into clowns anymore anyway? Spiders? Pishaw. Spiders are not only beneficial, but good luck as well! The dark? Give me a break. Close your eyes and tell me what you see. No, there are three things that frighten me. Two of them are kind of interconnected, but they scare me separately, too.

1. Losing my dad. My family has always been open about death, both the spiritual and mundane aspects. Death does not frighten me. I'm not particularly scared to lose anybody and even when someone close dies I'm not that broken up. I'm sad, yes, but not devastated. I've already had to prepare myself to lose Aaron twice in the past 13 years. But my dad?! No. It's unthinkable. If ever there's anything I can't handle for some reason, he's both my rock and my source of wisdom. He handles the really tough stuff. Also, he's the only appreciable source of income at the moment which brings me to...

2. Being homeless. Yes, I'm aware that tons of people are homeless so it's not an impossible feat to overcome. They're not me. I'm not financially spoiled, but I need a home. We've already been evicted once (by a bullshit rental company that just wanted to double the rent and knew they couldn't do it to us so they kept coming by looking for any reason to kick us out) and we were lucky that my dad was home and found us a place we could move into immediately. Especially around here where there's usually a wait for the old tenants to ship off. Facing your fears is supposed to help you conquer them, but in this case it created a "if it happened once it could happen again" panic trigger. When the landlord comes by for the rent my mission is to get him his money and get him on his way as quickly as possible. You should have seen me when his son was rebuilding the porch. I was a wreck. Which kind of leads into....

3. .....This one is kind of hard to articulate. So often I find myself so frustrated and overwhelmed I think, surely, I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Luckily (or unluckily?) it hasn't happened yet. Something good comes along just in time to bring me back to normal. The thing is... I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of finally going off the deep end, or continuing along like this. There are days when I think I may kill myself if it goes any longer and insanity would be kind of a relief. There are other days when I know that a total breakdown would just make me a burden and totally tip the scales for everyone that depends on me. I don't know how long I can keep yo-yoing and that scares me, too. I just keep trying and keep hoping that one day it will all amount to something good. A nice solid, stress-free stretch before death. Depressing? Maybe, but I'd much prefer that over dying frazzled and panicked.

So... yep. It's not quite a "fear", but I do worry that something bad will happen to one of my fantastic eFriends and I'll never know. But... I've lost eFriends (and penpals) before and eventually... you just kind of forget. Not totally, I still wonder about the navy guy and the Michigan walmart stocker and Bethany, but.... what are ya gonna do? *shrugs* (actually, I even went so far as to send her a card with my email addy in it just in case and still nothing) Mostly I worry about Dave because he's older and not in the best health. And 'Dorcha' in Denmark. I meet the most awesome people online and I worry. That's about it, I guess.

Tomorrow's prompt:
A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.

Don't know how I'm going to stretch that one into a full post, but hopefully I can make the click worthwhile. lol

12 comments:

  1. Afraid of the dark: check (major check actually). Afraid of clowns? Hmm. Not really afraid, just seriously hate them, does that count? They are right up there with mimes as people that should just stay at home and stop bothering others.
    Other pathetic fears? Yup. Afraid of fish.

    Other than silly fears, my biggest fear used to be losing my cat. That happened last summer, and now I have had to make friends with death in a different way. I'm afraid of losing my parents too, and I know it will happen sooner rather than later as they both smoke.

    It's funny in a way that when you face your fears, or if "the worst" happens, you somehow find a way to just soldier on. The fear is sometimes worse than the actual thing you are afraid of.

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    1. Hating something isn't the same as being afraid of it. ;) Why are you afraid of fish? Does that include guppies? Is it an allergy thing? Is it like a real fear that it will hurt you or more of an aversion? I have a feeling that's going to be the most intriguing one ever.

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    2. You know, I don't know for sure if it's an aversion or a fear. I know I tend to totally panic if I'm swimming where there are fish in the water, and I think they are going to brush up against me. Same with fish tanks. The thought of touching a fish freaks me out so bad, I would say it's almost a fear. I mean, spiders have nothing on them! Or snakes, or any other supposedly scary animal.
      Plus the scariest creatures on earth surely have to be the moray eels. Or lampreys. Scary fishiness *shudders*

      Moths are pretty scary too...

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    3. Wow. That's... I don't even know. lol Interesting for sure. I wonder if maybe something happened when you were a kid? Or maybe it's a past-life thing. Moths are pretty freaky. We had a totally white one get into the car and Aaron had to get it out for me... Normally bugs don't bother me, but seriously?! Albino moth I just could not deal with.

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  2. Oh just the mere thought of loosing either of my parents makes me sick, I seriously can't imagine loosing them.

    Being homeless one I can kind of relate because when we first moved to Canada, things were really tough financially and seeing my parents so stressed out about getting a job was hard to bear.

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    1. OMG I bet it was! :( Whenever we moved the army had my dad all set with his next assignment, I can't imagine just picking up and moving without that safety net. *hugs* I'm so glad it worked out for you guys.

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  3. I can sympathize with losing efriends. I've made quite a few close ones and while I feel I know them very well it's very possible something would happen to them and I wouldn't find out for a while. I can also sympathize with the homeless fear. My family is not supportive at all, so once, I had to rely on them or basically be homeless. They chose not to support me. I had no place to call home. Surfing from place to place to place for several years while not technically 'I have to live out doors' homeless definitely puts things in perspective and leaves a scar.

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    1. *ouch* I'm so sorry to hear that. It's so sad when people can't even rely on their own family when they need them. :( Hopefully the worst is already behind you.

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  4. Oh lizzy, I'm enjoying these posts; getting to know you even better but this one is sad :( I totally understand though, they are all something I fear too along with spiders, literally hyperventilating over a tiny one the other day :/. I guess we are all kind of similar (humans in general) with regards to fundamental fears

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    1. I'm glad you're enjoying them. Sorry this one made you sad, though. *hugs* I hope you can get to a point where spiders don't scare you as much. They really are supposed to be good luck!

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  5. The thought of losing my child is a paralyzing phobia. I was an agoraphobic for a couple of years because of it (and a stupid dream). I get shortness of breath and heart palpitations just thinking about it. :/

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    1. :( Here's hoping it's not a fear you'll ever have to face. *HUGS*

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