Sunday, June 19, 2011

Enui

I've always kind of liked that word. "Enui". I'm not often hit with real soul-wrenching boredom, but . . . I do have a problem with jealousy. In my defence it's not your average 2-year-old's "I want what you have because". It's more of a "I work so hard so why don't I deserve a break, too?" Sometimes it's a good kind of jealousy. I have most of my friends because they possess some trait I wish I had in myself. I'm jealous of their cunning or courage or appearance. Something they have that I admire (and want). Sometimes I have that very bad kind of jealousy that turns a perfectly normal woman into a wicked step-mother. Dear friends, when compounded jealousy combines with enui it can be a very ugly thing indeed. Because eventually it reaches a climactic "nobody deserves what they have, I hate you all, nothing is good enough" followed by some serious pouting. I've managed quite well over the years (if I do say so myself) until recently. The power and pull of social networking has been very beneficial, but it's also been a great thorn in my side. Why do people who act like ignorant whores get their life's wish to come true? Why do people who get by with the bare minimum effort get lavish vacations? Why are there still so many people who expect me to accept them for everything they are while still shaking their head because I don't fit into their little mold? I don't CARE that you're disappointed in some little choice I made that affects you in absolutely no way. I don't judge you for yours, why must you judge me for mine? "I work hard all week, I deserve to unwind." Well whoopty-fucking-do for you. You think just because I barely leave the house and nobody pays me in any way I can pay taxes on or put into social security that I don't WORK!? Do you think that just because I can't get promoted any higher than where I am that I wouldn't like a weekend off sometime? That I don't need a vacation? I've been taking care of my mother and the house we live in for 15 years, my husband for 10 of those. I didn't make the choice (and yes, it is a choice) to have children and be a tethered "homemaker". I was handed this position because no one else would do it and I'm a better person than to turn my back on the people who gave me everything. Do I complain? Yeah, sure, from time to time when I feel like I just can't take it anymore. But I still do what I have to do day in and day out. And I'll keep doing it until the day my services are no longer required. Now, if you'll excuse me I've got some trash to take out, a litterbox to clean and some dishes to load. I'll be dreaming about getting to take a vacation and I'll continue to treat myself in small ways that make me happy whether anybody else likes it or not.

P.S. Brak, this is not directed at you even though you're probably the only person that'll ever read it. *hugs* I love you and you deserve a break, too. Hope your last day with Hayley was a wonderfully memorable one.

2 comments:

  1. yeah, i got that it wasn't directed at me. and i'm giving you sympathetic looks, but if made a word comment, it'd probably be longer than the blog. so i'm just going to say "there, there". i think you already know my opinions on this topic, anyway. *hugs*

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  2. I do *hugs* Just had to vent

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