Saturday, February 26, 2011

Unintentional break

  These past couple of days have been excrutiatingly long (and yet somehow, now that they've passed, they seem so short) and today, I think, will be no picnic either.  Aaron's aunt recently passed on.  The viewing was on Thursday.  I wasn't expecting many people to show up given how the passing of his grandmother went.  When we pulled up to the funeral home, however, the mass of people told an entirely different story.  The same semi-familiar faces were there, including one neither of us expected.  I suppose the passing of one's kid sister can still mean something (despite time, distance and gossip) and that warms my heart.  I was exceedingly uncomfortable for most of the night (the reasons are my own and I will NOT be sharing them) but . . . it wasn't about me.  So I behaved how I was supposed to and let the family grieve.
  There is one thing, though.  The viewing.  I'm not squeemish and I don't have an aversion to death (my grandparents saw to that when they were alive), but there's still something a bit unsettling about having a special occassion set aside to look at the corpse of a recently passed loved one.  Aaron said she didn't look like herself, and even to my eyes (I had only met her once many years ago) she didn't look like I remembered.  This could be due in large part to the illness that took her, but it just made the whole thing that much more disturbing for me.  I'm glad my parents are getting cremated, but Aaron's made me promise to outlive him and . . . as strong (and cold-hearted) as some people seem to think I am . . . . I don't know how I feel about looking at his age-ravaged body just laying in some box.  I watch him sleep and can almost imagine what it would physically look like, but I don't think that's an actual memory I want burned into my brain. 
  Yesterday was the funeral.  Everyone from Thursday was there, including some friends who had not made it to the viewing.  The service was nice (though it did raise questions for me I'll address in a minute) and given the reactions of her immediate family, I assume she would have liked it.  I was fine through most of it until her daughter started bawling.  I hate to sound crass, but Aaron's asleep so I can't ask, but she's in a wheelchair thanks to some syndrome or other.  I don't know.  I do know she's a sweet girl.  Her wails broke my heart and I had to mentally block her off so I could remain strong.  Yes, I know it's a funeral.  I'm fully aware that people cry at funerals.  However, after years of taking care of my sisters I know that even an unsaid "It's going to be okay" is not near as convincing coming from someone who is a wreck.  So given that I was seated between two grieving individuals I had to remain somber, yet strong.  I almost broke again when this same girl who mere minutes prior sounded as if she'd died inside wheeled herself over to comfort her crying uncle.  Her strength is an inspiration.
  Which brings me to the questions.  Not really questions . . . . concerns, I suppose.  I brought these up to Aaron to which he replied "The funeral isn't really for the deceased, it's for the survivors" and I supposed that's true . . . . but even in the event that I outlive my parents I'm not sure I want a "Christ centered" funeral.  I wouldn't mind hymns played or scripture read if it comforts those there, but to have the officiator then proclaim "I know she would have liked this because ______."  In his aunt's case it was usually followed by something about how nursing is doing God's work.  I don't want people making these innaccurate assumptions about how I am and what I stand for.  I don't hate Jesus, nor do I believe he is my saviour.  I left the Christian path 12+ years ago and am much happier and much more satisfied for it.  I don't believe that a peaceful afterlife is exclusionary.  I know these proclomations make Aaron uncomfortable (especially where death is concerned), but I just don't buy that "heaven" is only accessable to those who dedicate their life to the death of a man who lived a mere 2000 years ago.  Especially when a decent enough chunk of them aren't even good people in spite of their so-called beliefs.  No.  Unacceptable.
  At the cemetary things went quickly.  Too quickly for Aaron's taste.  Again I'm glad my parents are being cremated.  Ashes placed quietly into a military-approved memorial wall is just fine by me.  It was here that he took the opportunity to bridge the gap between himself and his father.  Time will yet tell how this maneuver pans out, but he's been wrestling with this desire for a long time and I'm glad he had both the opportunity and the determination to make his move.  It is a decision I will ultimately not be a part of, but again, it's not about me.  It's about him and his father.  Whatever happens, at least he tried.
  The son wanted everybody to meet up at his house after the funeral and it made me so incredibly happy to see that (most) everyone did.  I think he really needed it.  So we chatted up the family and it was nice.  Merely civil in some cases, outright friendly in others.  One of his cousins is moving back to town and wants to hook up at some point.  I hope that happens.  I wasn't raised as one of those "close family ties" kinds of people, but family is important and Aaron needs more people in his life.

  Not to grind suddenly into reverse, but that is only part of my sim-break.  I'm also working with the create-a-world tool.  Putting together a neighborhood that can accomodate all of the buildings and such from the eps that EA decided didn't "need" to be compiled into a fresh neighborhood.  I'll have plenty of empty lots for future eps, but mostly I'm just wanting a place where my sim can fully realize her awesomeness.  I'm aware that there's a very good chance she'll lose her work progress and lifetime points, but it's a necessary step to take.  I just hope that it doesn't do like the building an estate for my legacy family did and make me lose interest in her. 
  So I'm going to go through my Rosetta Stone lesson, mapquest a place I'm heading to later and then . . . . I think it's time to be useful again before sitting down for sims.  This will be called an intentional break.  My dad's coming home for vacation in two weeks and I want to get some things done before he does.

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